Fifth Commandment: Honor your father and mother.

“Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long in the land that the Lord your God is giving you." (Ex. 20:12)

What is the Command?

The fifth commandment is, "Honor your father and your mother."

The fifth commandment is the first commandment that shifts away from our duty to love God with our whole being (commandments 1–4) to our duty to love others as ourselves (commandments 5–10).

In the first four commandments, God claims for himself the exclusive right to our honor by commanding us to: 1) worship him alone, 2) worship him rightly, 3) honor his name, and 4) honor his Sabbath. Then, in the fifth commandment, he tells us to "Honor your father and your mother."

At the heart of the fifth commandment is honoring and loving God by honoring and loving your father and your mother. One of the reasons God places this commandment first in the six commandments to love others, is because of the centrality of the family in his plan for people to flourish in the world according to his design.

This commandment was originally given to the Israelites with a direct reference to the land of Canaan, which God was giving them. In this context, God’s promise of long life in the land implies his promise to bless the people of Israel, personally and corporately, if they obey this commandment when they enter the land.

In Ephesians 6:1–2, Paul refers to this commandment when he writes, "Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. 'Honor your father and mother' (this is the first commandment with a promise), that it may go well with you and that you may live long on the earth." Paul's use of the fifth commandment when writing Gentiles in Ephesus reveals his broader application of the fifth command and its promises to Gentiles.[1]

One of God's purposes for instructing young children to honor him by honoring their parents is to equip and prepare them to honor him by honoring all those he will place in authority over them as adults in various aspects of life, including those in their work, church, government, etc.

The focus of this commandment on the parent-child relationship highlights the foundational experience of all humanity in which respect and submission to all of God's established authorities in life is first learned and shaped in the family. Patterns that children develop in their relationship with their parents, especially as it relates to their respect for authority, influence all their subsequent relationships and experiences in life.

The fifth commandment acts as a bridge, connecting our duty to honor and love God with our duty to honor and love others he places in authority over us—beginning with our parents. Paul teaches that showing respect for those God places in authority over us, including our parents, employers, civil leaders, and others, is how we are to love people and to fulfill God's law.[2]

Let every person be subject to the governing authorities. For there is no authority except from God, and those that exist have been instituted by God.... Pay to all what is owed to them...respect to whom respect is owed, honor to whom honor is owed. Owe no one anything, except to love each other, for the one who loves another has fulfilled the law. (Rom. 13:1, 7–8)[3]

The Westminster Larger Catechism expresses this concept in its answer to question 124:

• Q. 124. Who are meant by father and mother in the fifth commandment?

• A. By father and mother, in the fifth commandment, are meant, not only natural parents, but all superiors in age and gifts; and especially such as, by God’s ordinance, are over us in place of authority, whether in family, church, or commonwealth.

Because of the far-reaching negative consequences of disobedience to the fifth commandment, in both individual lives and society as a whole, the Old Testament presents disrespect for parents as a major sin: one who cursed a parent could be executed (Ex. 21:17; Lev. 20:9). In the New Testament disobedience to parents is a sign of moral decadence and unbelief (Rom. 1:30; 2 Tim. 3:2).

What is Forbidden?

God forbids you to be disrespectful to your parents and those he places in authority over you.[4] God forbids you to be disrespectful to the authorities he places over you so that you will flourish in life according to his design.

In Ephesians 6:1, Paul writes to children still living under the authority of their parents, "Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right." The phrase, "in the Lord" conveys that such obedience is not unconditional but is in alignment with the character and the word of God. God forbids children to disobey the godly discipline and direction of their parents.

However, this commandment does not condone parental abuse or the blind obedience of children. Paul writes, "Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord" (Eph. 6:4).[5] Therefore, it is right for children to disobey parents if their parents require them to disobey God.

Because of the fall of humanity into sin, many, if not all, of the authorities God places over you in life will fail you. Some of these authorities may even seriously abuse you and ask you to do things clearly against God's will. In such cases you must join with the apostles and say, "We must obey God rather than men" (Acts 5:29). But even when you must disobey these authorities, you must treat them in a loving and honorable way.

God forbids disrespect for authority not only from children towards parents but in all relationships in life. This involves all kinds of disrespect toward those in positions of authority, including disregarding their directives, being angry and hateful to them, provoking them to anger, causing them grief and sorrow, insulting them, hurting them, holding them in contempt, and neglecting to help them when they're in need.[6]

For example, employees are to respect their employers, honor and obey directives, avoid wasting time, and refrain from dishonesty or neglect that could harm the employer's reputation or business. Furthermore, everyone is called to respect civil laws and the authority of the church.

What is Required?

In this commandment, God requires you to honor and show love to your parents and to all those he places in authority over you. The Heidelberg Catechism describes it like this:

• Q. 104: What does God require in the fifth commandment?

• A. That I show all honor, love, and faithfulness to my father and mother and to all those in authority over me, submit myself with due obedience to their good instruction and discipline, and also have patience with their weaknesses and shortcomings, since it is God’s will to govern us by their hand.

The Hebrew word used for honor in this commandment literally means "to make heavy." The way children are to honor their parents when they're younger, and still under the parent's authority, is by obeying them. Their obedience shows they are "not taking their parents lightly." God calls children to recognize and treat their parents with great respect, to give them a position of weightiness in their lives.

As children become adults, they are no longer called by God to obey their parents as they did when they lived under their parents' authority. But adult children are called by God to always show honor to their parents throughout their lives, not only by how they act toward them, but also by how they speak to them and about them to others. 

In the ancient world, before governmental welfare programs like social security, the elderly had only their children to care for them. However, even when the elderly have government assistance, they still need their children’s devoted, loving care, just as their children once needed their care.

Jesus confronted Jewish religious leaders who were promoting a religious tradition which was being used by adult children to justify their failure to honor and love their parents. The tradition was that if people gave offerings in a certain way, they would not be required to help care financially for their parents. Jesus said to them:

Why do you break the commandment of God for the sake of your tradition? For God commanded, ‘Honor your father and your mother,’ and, ‘Whoever reviles father or mother must surely die.' But you say, ‘If anyone tells his father or his mother, " What you would have gained from me is given to God," he need not honor his father.’ So for the sake of your tradition you have made void the word of God. You hypocrites! (Matt. 15:1–7)

There is a God-designed cycle for families. For the first part of life, parents provide care for children. Then, as time passes, the roles begin to reverse as children provide care for parents. Paul writes, "But if anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for members of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever" (1 Tim. 5:8).

As with all the commandments, Jesus obeyed this one perfectly. One of the last words he spoke on the cross was to his disciple John, instructing him to care for Jesus' mother. At the brink of death, Jesus honored and loved his parent (John 19:26–27). [7]

Honoring your parents and those in authority over you can be extremely hard, especially when you do not consider them honorable, or if they have not treated you honorably. It is especially challenging to love and honor those in your family, workplace, civil government, and church who have abused or wrongly hurt you.

But Jesus calls you to love and pray for even your enemies, including those God places in authority over you (Matt. 5:43–48).

Catechism Questions

What is the Fifth Commandment?

The fifth commandment is, "Honor your father and your mother."

What is forbidden by God in the Fifth Commandment?

God forbids me to be disrespectful to my parents and all those he places in authority over me.

What is required by God in the Fifth Commandment?

God requires me to honor my parents and all those he places in authority over me.

Footnotes:

[1] In Ephesians 6:3, Paul's use of the Greek word often translated earth (γῆς), instead of the word translated land (χώρα), may indicate his intentional, broader application of the commandment and its promises to the Gentiles. The NAS, NIV, KJV, and RSV translations are earth. God's people in this age are now a people from every tribe, tongue, and nation on earth, and God's promised blessings to his people for their obedience to the fifth commandment are now spiritual blessings in Christ.

[2] In Ephesians 6, Paul shares examples of relationships in which respect for God-ordained roles should be honored including wives and husbands (Eph. 5:22–32), children and parents (Eph. 6:1–4), and bondservants and masters (Eph. 6:5–9). See also Colossians 3:18–21.

[3] Peter also teaches that all believers should be in submission to all the authorities God establishes over them in life "for the Lord's sake." "Be subject for the Lord's sake to every human institution, whether it be to the emperor as supreme, or to governors as sent by him to punish those who do evil and to praise those who do good. For this is the will of God, that by doing good you should put to silence the ignorance of foolish people" (1 Pet. 2:13–15).

[4] "The fifth commandment forbids being disrespectful to or not treating others as their position or relationship to us demands." Westminster Shorter Catechism Q. 65.

[5] Paul also writes, "Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged" (Col. 3:21).

[6] The penalty for breaking the fifth commandment in the Old Testament civil law is the same as that for murder. "Whoever strikes his father or his mother shall be put to death." " Whoever curses his father or his mother shall be put to death." (Ex. 21:15, 17). Proverbs 30:17 says, "The eye that mocks a father and scorns to obey a mother will be picked out by the ravens of the valley and eaten by the vultures."

[7] Luke describes how Jesus honored his parents as a young man: "And he [Jesus] went down with them [his parents] and came to Nazareth and was submissive to them. And his mother treasured up all these things in her heart. And Jesus increased in wisdom and in stature and in favor with God and man" (Luke 2:51–52).