How Do I Manage Conflict?: Managing Conflict Series Part 3
Series: Managing Conflict, Part 3
Author: Dr. Steven L. Childers
Title: How Do I Manage Conflict?
Let's take a look now at some key principles related to managing conflict in the church.
The first one is our need to understand the difference between healthy and unhealthy conflict. There's a big difference between the two, between constructive criticism and sinful antagonism. Some Christian leaders become unnecessarily paranoid whenever anyone dares to disagree with them. Such people wrongly use the word antagonist to describe those who are merely on different sides in a very reasonable disagreement. I think we would all do well to adopt the terminology of the British Parliament, calling those with whom they have healthy disagreements “the honorable opposition.”
But there is a time when healthy conflict gives way to unhealthy conflict. When someone stops being loving and respectful in their disagreement with you and begins attacking you personally, your actions, and often your motives and your character, then you are facing an antagonist.
This raises a second principle; recognize that there are often spiritual forces at work. When you're dealing with church conflict, you must never forget the spiritual forces that are often behind the scenes, standing in constant rebellion against Christ and the advancement of his kingdom through his church. Paul writes, "For our struggle is not against flesh and blood but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realm."
Antagonists are often unknowingly being played into the hands of the evil one and being used to destroy the healing and the caring mission of the church. You dare not sit back and watch such people cripple and disfigure the bride of Christ. The antagonist will sow seeds of bitterness and anger and hatred and dissension in the church. These are not coming from God, but from the enemy.
Another biblical principle related to conflict is learning first to remove the log from your eye. Jesus said, "Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite. First take the plank out of your own eye and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye."
Responding to conflict in a way that honors God requires first facing up to our own attitudes, our own faults and sins before pointing those out to others. Honestly admitting our own sins often will encourage similar responses from others and open a way for reconciliation.
One of the primary tests of how well you understand the gospel is how you respond to criticism. The founder and leader of the Navigators ministry, Dawson Trotman, was once asked how God made him into the leader that he was. He is reported to have said, "Whenever someone criticized me wrongly, I would always go into my prayer closet, get down on my knees, and pray this prayer, 'Lord, you know that almost all of this being said about me is not true, but I ask you to show me in all these false accusations just one kernel of truth that you want me to see that will help shape me more into the image of your Son.'"
How does believing in the gospel make a difference when we're being criticized? If someone steals $100 and you have a billion dollars in the bank, it's like a prick in the finger. If all you have is $200 to your name and someone steals $100, it's like a knife in the heart. It's the same crime but one is felt just like a prick on the finger and the other like a knife in the heart.
Now, imagine two people, they're both Christian leaders and they're both in situations where they're being criticized. As you watch, it's clear that one person is able to sort through the criticism, admit what is true and patiently explain the areas where the criticism is unfair. You can tell the criticism he's receiving is painful but it's more like a prick in the finger than a knife in the heart. Why is that? Because the person believes the gospel. The person knows how much God loves him in Christ.
Then imagine you see another person facing the same criticism but they become enraged and they shift the blame or they spiral into a sort of unhealthy self-hatred. What they are experiencing is not a prick in the finger but a knife in the heart. Why? Because they're not believing the good news about God's love for them in Christ.
When we believe in the gospel, people can still hurt us deeply but they cannot crush us. The conflict cannot so dominate us that we are robbed of joy or robbed of our ability to love God and love others deeply and well, but we cannot disregard them. When we believe how deeply Christ loves us, in spite of our many sins, we are liberated not only to get along with others, but to love them in Christ.