How Do I Engage in Conflict with Wisdom? (Managing Conflict, Part 4)
Series: Managing Conflict (Part 4)
Author: Dr. Steven L. Childers
Title: How Do I Engage in Conflict with Wisdom?
Once you have taken responsibility for your role in the conflict, it may be necessary to talk with others about their failures. This brings us to the next principle, learning to engage the offender with wisdom. In many situations, if the offense is minor, the best way to resolve the conflict is simply to overlook it. In Proverbs 9:11, we read, "A man's wisdom gives him patience. It is to his glory to overlook an offense." The Apostle Paul writes, "Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you."
When you overlook the offenses others commit against you, you are reflecting God's forgiveness of you, but there are some problems that will only become worse if you failed to confront them directly. When is a sin too serious to overlook? Author Ken Sande in his excellent book Peacemaker writes that a sin is too serious to overlook if 1) it is dishonoring to God 2) it has damaged your relationship 3) it is hurting or might hurt other people and 4) it is hurting the offender and diminishing that person's usefulness to God.
In such situations, Jesus requires us to confront such a person in a gracious yet firm manner. In Matthew 18, Jesus says, "If your brother sins, go and reprove him in private. If he listens to you, you have won your brother." In Matthew 18, Jesus gives us a remarkable, detailed step-by-step process through which we are to confront someone in a sin that cannot be overlooked. The key principle we learned from Jesus teaching here is that the knowledge of a person's sin should always be kept to the smallest group possible. The goal of this process he outlines here is for the person to be restored at the first stage of a private one-on-one discussion.
Often, the key to effective personal confrontation is for the one confronting first to have taken to heart Paul's words in Galatians 6:1, "If a man is caught in any trespass, you who are spiritual restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness, each one looking to yourself, lest you too will be tempted." Notice here in Jesus' instructions that he doesn't tell us how many times we're to go to someone in private. This means it could be that we keep going to them in private day after day, week after week, month after month, pursuing reconciliation.
A friend of mine once told me the story of how he was compelled to go to someone once and confront him regarding a serious sin. The man who was confronted became very angry and defensive. He denied this sin. He refused to repent. My friend backed off and left him alone. Later, the man in sin came to his senses, realized his sin and repented. My friend was thrilled, but he told me he was also saddened because the man said to him, "Why did you stop confronting me? Why didn't you love me enough to keep challenging me and keep calling me to repentance even asking others for assistance if necessary?"
The scripture say, "Blessed are the wounds of a friend." If the offender refuses to repent, Jesus then commands us to ask others to get involved. He goes on to say, "If he does not listen to you, take one or two more with you, so that by the mouth of two or three witnesses, every fact may be confirmed." Note here another key principle, the confrontation must keep increasing in strength until there is resolution.
Jesus makes very clear in these words that this process must not stop until there is a resolution one way or another. Who are these one or two others that you should take with you? This should not be just any one or two people. It's normally best to bring one or two people with you that the person respects and that the person believes truly cares for them.
The goal here is not slander, not gossip. In fact, the only person you should ever talk to about this offense is someone you were asking to assist you in coming to them to seek reconciliation. Never forget the goal in all this is restoration and clarity. This one or two others may be able to see the conflict with greater clarity and confirm how great the offense is or they might be able to affirm your misunderstanding of the offense and that it's hardly as serious as you may have thought.
What happens if this person still doesn't hear and those two people believe this is a serious offense? They say it is a serious sin that defames the name Christ, and this person will not repent. Jesus says, "If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church, and if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax gatherer." Now, by telling this to the church does not mean that you are to stand up in a public assembly or worship and broadcast this news to the church at large. It means you go to the church leaders. Those who will give an account for your soul.
As Hebrews 13:17 says that these church leaders would then come in on behalf of the church body and they would help you and the one or two others reconcile this or confirm this. What if the church leaders also identify this sin, call this person to repent and they refuse to listen? Jesus said, "If he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax gatherer." Jesus is not saying here that you now are to shun this person and be mean to them. What was Jesus called? A friend of tax gatherers and sinners.
This means you must see this person as no longer a follower of Christ, as someone outside of the body of Christ. This means you must mobilize the entire body of Christ to love them back into a right relationship with God and the church body. Never forget the goal of church discipline is restoration.
This is how to respond to church conflict in a way that honors God and keeps his purposes in view.